One misconception or myth about anger is that the way we behaviorally express anger is inherited
and cannot be changed. Our facial expressions and our nervous system’s response when we
become angry are inherited, but what we do next, our behavior, is learned. Sometimes, we may
hear someone say, “I inherited my anger from my father; that’s just the way I am.”
This statement implies that the behavioral expression of anger is fixed and cannot be changed. Although to some extent a person’s proneness toward anger has a genetic basis, psychological traits, like proneness toward anger, are not fixed. A person’s childhood environment plays a major role in determining how a person expresses anger (Buades-Rotger & Gallardo, 2014).
Because people are not born with set, specific ways of expressing anger it is possible to learn more appropriate ways of expressing anger. Similarly, it is possible to change the way your nervous system reacts after you get angry. You can learn to calm down more quickly with practice.
The approach to anger management used in this treatment manual was influenced by Bandura’s
(2018) social cognitive theory, in particular, the assumption that behavior is socially learned.
Many studies have established that the way people learn to express anger and violence is by
observing others, particularly influential people (Brook, Balka, Zhang, & Brook, 2015; Conger,
Neppl, Kim, & Scaramella, 2003). These people include parents, family members, and friends.
If children observe parents expressing anger through aggressive acts, such as verbal abuse and
violence, it is very likely that they will learn to express anger in similar ways.
Fortunately, this behavior can be changed by learning new and appropriate ways of expressing anger. It is not necessary to continue to express anger by aggressive and violent means.
A related myth involves the misconception that the only effective way to express anger is through aggression. It is commonly thought that anger is something that builds and escalates to the point of an aggressive outburst. As we saw earlier, however, anger does not necessarily lead to aggression. In fact, effective anger management involves controlling the escalation of anger by learning assertiveness skills, changing negative and hostile thoughts or “self-talk,” challenging maladaptive beliefs, and employing a variety of behavioral strategies. These skills, techniques, and strategies will be discussed in later sessions.
Many people confuse assertiveness with aggression. The goal of aggression is to dominate, intimidate, harm, or injure another person—to win at any cost.
Conversely, the goal of assertiveness is to express feelings of anger in a way that is respectful of other people. For example, if you were upset because a friend was repeatedly late for meetings, you could respond by shouting obscenities and name-calling. This approach is an attack on the other person rather than an attempt to address the behavior that you find frustrating or anger provoking.
An assertive way of handling this situation might be to say, “When you are late for a meeting
with me, I get pretty frustrated.
I wish that you would be on time more often.” This statement expresses your feelings of frustration and dissatisfaction and communicates how you would like the situation changed. This expression does not blame or threaten the other person and minimizes the chance of causing emotional harm. We will discuss assertiveness skills in more detail in sessions 7 and 8.
For many years, the popular belief among numerous mental health professionals and laypeople was that the aggressive expression of anger, such as screaming or beating on pillows, was healthy and therapeutic. Research studies have found, however, that people who express their anger aggressively simply get better at being angry (Lilienfeld, Lynn, Ruscio, & Beverstein, 2010; Olatunji, Lohr, & Bushman, 2007). In other words, expressing anger in an aggressive manner reinforces aggressive behavior.